The Desi Quibbler

The twenty seventh day of January, 1969. A day which shall be remembered across the globe for the public hangings of 9 Jews in Damascus and 14 spies in Baghdad. Some American Football aficionados may remember it as the historic day on which Chuck Noll was named as the head coach of the Pittsburg Steelers or as the hippies would remember it, the day on which Richard Nixon first danced to Jumma Chumma De De on the White House lawn for Muhammad Ali and Helen.

But the one incident which overshadows all the others like the Eagle from the Coldplay video was the spectacular transfer of Vijay Singh Deol from the uterus of Prakash Kaur into the hands of Dharmendra and subsequently into our world.

Vijay Singh Deol a.k.a Bobby Deol first graced this world with his presence on 27th January 1969. Nicknamed the Punjabi Hercules by the nurses of Nanavati Hospital, Bobby was a prodigious child. Rumour has it that, at the tender age of 8 hours, even with his brand new and barely functioning respiratory system, he could rap Eminem’s Superman with stunning ease.

Bobby’s rapid growth into a truly panty dropping human being was no surprise to his Jamnabhai Narsee School classmates. He was a champion left winger for the school at the age of 8, a world class Snooker player and also marginally fell short of representing India at the Kho Kho World Cup held in Cambodia in 1978 due to his overwhelming heroin addiction. Not many know that Abhishek Bachchan was our captain in that particular tournament and achieved a glorious 8th place for India.

It is said that if not for his heroin and rooh-afza addiction, Bobby Deol would have scaled such heights as a homosapien it would have been impossible to accurately throw water balloons from them on Holi. Tabloids of the eighties were filled with the rumours regarding the intimacy shared by Bobby and Pablo Escobar, even after the latter clarified that they were just friends. Richard Nixon, who had his fair share of history with Bobby, publicly admitted to have invited Bobby to 4 State Dinners, only for the 9 year old hero to decline in protest of the Cold War.

In 1995, Bobby Deol finally found his passion in life. After years of tireless persuasion by Rajkumar Santoshi, Bobby Deol signed for Barsaat, a movie calling out the ruthless showering of chemical weapons on civilians in Vietnam by American Forces. Deol plays the character of Badal, a naive but intelligent young man who moves from a small village in Haryana to San Jose and gets caught up with pointless nagging of Ellen Degenerates and the bloodbath orchestrated by both the Rebels and the Americans in Vietnam. Twinkle Khanna played the abla nari reporter who was spectacularly inconsequential to the story. Bobby Deol won his first Filmfare award for Best Debut for Barsaat.

Critics like Muammar Gaddafi and Donald Trump Sr, who famously called Barsaat a ‘commercial film’, were silenced by Deol’s next flick, ‘Gupt’. Set in the mysterious circumstances of 1954, Deol plays a flamboyant transgender who was once the captain of the Brazilian Football Team and is now a rebel feminist who fights institutional corruption in rural Odisha through non violent means. The film also featured Pele who won the Best Supporting Actor award. Experts believe that had Rekha not been so clingy on that award night, Pele would have played the role of the protagonist’s uncle in Soldier.

Experts believe that the oscar winning Yamla Pagla Dewaana (2011) is Bobby’s finest work as an actor. Bobby, in another versatility proving role, played a happy-go-lucky traffic policeman who falls in love with a communist karma wali bai only to find out that she was infact a crony capitalist with a weird fetish for Mallu porn. Audio-visual history was created when Dharmendra, his brother Sunny and Bobby danced to the Punjabi version of Mozart’s 4th symphony.

All through his illustrious career, Bobby continued to stamp his authority both on celluloid and on the pages of history. From Barsaat to Dostana to Yamla Pagla Dewaana 2, he has revolutionised the very essence of human life for centuries to come. After all of his endeavours, Deol has still not given up his quest of obtaining the Knighthood from the Queen and has ventured into the world of electronically developed music as DJ Bobby. The Desi Quibbler salutes the living legend that is Bobby Deol and officially inducts him into the League of Legends as a master of his art!

“If there has ever been anything pure enough to stand up to communal disharmony instilled by vested interests, it is the orthodox leg spinner’s delivery moving away from the right hander” – Usha Pravin Gandhi (Step Mother of India)

On a chilly January morning in the extravagant Delhi of the forties, the Indian subcontinent’s fate was eternally decided. The Congress and the Muslim League had a monotonous and unending cold war waging within the Independence Movement and Mahatma Gandhi was burdened with the job of figuring out the best way to break the tie.

The first ever T20 International, played in December 1946, brought to you by Gionee Smartphones, is the second most significant chapter in the subcontinent’s history after the simultaneous retirement of Dharmendra, Rajesh Khanna and Atal Bihari Vajpayee. The winners would get their respective demands fulfilled and receive a Blu-Ray DVD collection of Kyunki Congress Bhi Kabhi Relevent Thi.

Following pretty much the same format as it does now, the T20 was played at the Feroz Shah Kotla in the majestic presence of Ed Sheeran’s dilliwale mausaji and LK Advani who even then held the record of being the person having had the most dialysis procedures done.

It was played between the Vallabhai Warriors and the Jinnah Jumbos. The pioneer, MK Gandhi, was the umpire. Pandit Nehru of course was last spotted with Lady Mountbatten outside Starbucks Connought Place and Subhas Chandra Bose had to be the leg umpire. “Tum mujhe khoon do main tumhe run out nahi dunga” was seen on huge banners all across the city billboards, which saw a startling rise in the business Blood Banks conducted that month.

Sardar Vallabhai Patel, much like Dwayne Bravo, was quite the fiery one. From setting aggressive fields against the Nizam of Hyderabad in the practice matches to ruthlessly force feeding dhoklas to his Punjabi comrades, he left no stone unturned in letting the opposition know who called the shots. He insisted on the Drinks break being called Basundi Break, only to be shushed by Javagal Srinath, who always seems to be the match referee.

Mohammad Ali Jinnah, the ingenious barrister from London who predicted the number of pimples Indira Gandhi would get by her thirteenth birthday, was the Mahendra Singh Dhoni of the late forties. Calm as a cucumber in the face of intense pressure, he used severe polarization in selecting his squad. Only the most avid lovers of Atif Aslam and Ambur Mutton Biryani were even considered for the line-up.

So doomsday arrived, and Delhi was cleaned up for the first time after Shah Jahan’s tenth anniversary with his sixteenth wife. The coin was flipped by celebrity guest Sanjeev Kapoor who was nominated the Sexiest Man Alive by Dainik Bhaskar. Jinnah, much like MS, lost the toss and the Warriors chose to bowl, considering the dew factor which comes into play at the Kotla. The Jumbos’ openers Kamran Akmal and Abul Kalam Azad had the job of seeing off both the new ball and Lal Bahadur Shashtri’s menacing in-swinging yorkers. After a steady start, it was Babasaheb Ambedkar whose impeccable hairstyle and mystery doosra stumped the men wishing to own the North West. A domino like collapse saw the Jumbos crumble to 168 all out. Sardar Patel and the Mahatma seemed oddly humoured by the target of 169.

The innings break came while an intense environment was enveloping the stadium. To calm the nerves, there was a duet performance by Rabindranath Tagore and Shreya Goshal. Sarojini Naidu danced to Bareilly ke Bazaar Mein to such thunderous effect that Dr. Rajendra Prasad made a mental note to name a market after her in South West Delhi.

The second innings began with the Warriors’ openers Sardar Patel and Robin Utthappa walking out with such majesty it reminded Queen Elizabeth of her over-the-top wedding. Much to everybody’s surprise, the start from the otherwise composed Sardar was blistering. The confusion was cleared when everyone realized the DJ was playing Sanedo Sanedo after every over. At 91-0 after ten overs, the subcontinent looked all set to be painted saffron and drenched in milk white basundi.  However, it was Jinnah’s turn to spoil the garba nite, as reverse swing came into play. He shattered Sardar’s off stump, Jayprakash Narayan’s index finger and the Hindu Mahasabha’s ego. It was all down to the last delivery off which Babasaheb Ambedkar needed to score four runs. In a highly spiritual moment, Pandit Nehru jumped off the A Upper stand in Shaktiman-esque fashion and kissed the top of Ambedkar’s head and said, ‘Yeh maari toh jayanti done.’(If you hit this, jayanti guaranteed for you).

Haters call Dilshan the pioneer of modern strokeplay, but had Babasaheb Ambedkar connected with the reservation-scoop that night, AB De Villiers would be just another Quinton De Kock today. Ambedkar was clean bowled, Gandhi was in tears, Nehru went to Coffee Day with Lady Mountbatten and Patel said,”Khaavanu peevanu majjani life, thank god atleast I have a wife”. The Jinnah Jumbos won, Pakistan’s formation was confirmed, and that marked the beginning of the intense rivalry that is India vs Pakistan.

69 years down the line, India plans to take on Shahid Afridi’s men with a bowling line up as toothless as a four month old koala bear and a batting line up which is either bloody amazing or bloody terrible. Modern day Marilyn Monroe and fashionista Sonam Kapoor says,” Vogue ki kasam this is outrageous. It’s like fighting the Elite 4 with a Lvl 1 Magikarp and a Lvl 100 Mewtwo which may or may not obey you.”

The #DesiQuibbler would like to apologize to all the readers who live who haven’t paid attention in history class or to Ravi Shashtri in commentary and don’t know most of the names cited above. We’ll try and come up with something more suited to your sensibilities, like a script for MTV Roadies Season 12 🙂

Aries: The intense craving to watch Sunil Gavaskar twerk in the post lunch session at the Gabba is intensifying because of the alignment of the stars. You are going to feel both love and hate towards Shehnaz Tresurywala more deeply than ever before. Opportunities will also arise to show the world what is keeping you from becoming a semi-professional Navjot Singh Sidhu. However, it will be prudent to wait before you slap your dhobi and call him a pervert for selling milk wearing objectionable clothing.

Taurus: Passionately forwarding every Whatsapp message with Narendra Modi’s name in it is the order of the month. You may have been exercising great restraint in choke-slamming Sakshi Tanwar and Pratibha Patil simultaneously, but all your efforts will come to nought today. Surprise your partner with some spontaneous action like singing Tune Maari Entriyaan while recording journal entries on Tally at work. Lucky Colour: KSIolajidebt

Gemini: Success in the local Shreya Ghoshal Impersonation competition brings you gain and professional stability. There is a positive and hopeful outlook in respect to bald protagonists, as you remain sensitive and loyal to Shahid from Haider. An outing to anywhere near Emma Watson’s home continent is unaffordable and terribly unlikely so forget it. (Not saying you lot are too ugly for the visa)

Cancer: If roasted groundnuts with strawberry ice-cream are regularly consumed, you are going to enjoy an excellent run in the Miss Thiruvananthapuram pageant. Junk foods on the other hand not only affect the plants in your balcony but also completely rule out the bleak chances of Japan understanding the true significance of Malaika Arora Khan in the Indian Film Fraternity. A healthier lifestyle is on the horizon provided the Times of India is discontinued by you with immediate effect.

Leo: Salman Khan is the reason you are having odd sensations in your lower abdomen. You may be in line for an important promotion in the Gulabi Garba Sangathan of your apartment. However, envy and jealousy of Arshad Warsi’s sense of humour as Circuit might result in you watching way too much of Naa Aana iss Des Laado. Your toughest challenge will be to respond in an equitable manner to the group chat joke your friend sent to your crush/dadi/physics teacher. Lucky omen: Underrated Ballerinas

Virgo: Do not let misconceptions build up in your relationship with the Tata Sky associate you call jaanu. Try for a greater degree of openness with your ball point pen. Redundantly chanting anti-Ambati Rayudu slogans can never be productive. Take special care not to let a third person influence your decision on whether or not to like the next Dan Bilzerian (PEGI 18) photo.

Libra: Naming your kid Zlatan Librahimovic because of your star sign might change many lives. This month demands you to focus more on asking your son to Chicago to his room with sufficient command over Telugu. Also you need to size up the people who have been sharing insensitive posts about how Rakhi Sawant isn’t the modern day Sarojini Naidu.

Scorpio: This is the perfect day to tell your son about the racist nature of Goregaon residents. If you have been lazing for some time now and letting work like reading #DesiQuibbler posts pile up, you will find an amazing surge of energy which will help you to accommodate as many as four lessons at the Udupi restaurant. This is the best time to discard those poly bags from last September.

Sagittarius: You are feeling very adventurous and are determined to tell your. You are going to finish all levels of Angry Birds – Kumbh Mela by sheer determination and the force of your will. So, you can schedule all your difficult activities like that medium Sudoku and you will find success in them coming as quickly as a Punjabi getting drunk at a theka sharaab desi in the NCR.

Capricon: Today, you will begin to understand that you will not respond to anybody else’s manipulations about WWE’s or Pritam’s originality and will set about drawing some healthy boundaries in your relationship with seemingly famous kitty party organizers. You have to understand that even your greatest well-wisher should not be allowed to decide if the next pani puri is hot or sweet and ultimately it is your opinion that matters. Lucky Colour: Gobar

Aquarius: You will be getting some jalebis quite unexpectedly from your chemist. Expertise at flying kites is finally being recognized in Anurag Kashyap movies. It is recommended that you finish watching the previous Star Wars movies before going for Action Jackson. Nothing is going to hamper your progress today, not even the overly loud Toffee with Tanwar talk show next door. Amidst such a hectic schedule do not forget to sing Aye Mere Pyaare Mutton on A minor scale thrice a day.

Pisces: You are likely to discover a new and untapped source of Javed Akhtar within you. Your charming persona will help you a lot in being impactful over Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s faulty technique. It is vital that you do not rush to any conclusions about Amit Shah’s sexuality and you consider telling your Gujarati friend just how annoying he sounds when he sings Jumme Ni Raat Che while standing in the local train.

After months of tirelessly copying punchlines from hit Indian comedy shows like the Newshour withDatBong and Kaun Banega Mamata Ka Pati, the #DesiQuibbler team comprising of exactly one jobless commerce student has come up with this column where every two weeks, we shall put out lesser known and brutally true facts about misunderstood personalities.

This week’s edition takes a look at the eventful life of Andimuthu Raja, the tainted ex Telecom Minister who was sent to Tihar Jail for stealing more money than Pakistan’s GDP.

Born in Tiruchirapalli, New York’s coolest borough, Raja was a prodigious street dancer by birth. The head nurse of Anna Hospital, Margaret Thatcher says,” He was a delight, wasn’t he? Four hours after his birth, he had mastered his Kathakmudras and two hours later he was performing across the pond at Times Square to ‘Oh Say! Can you see?’ I haven’t met a single kid who has changed my phone’s network preferences to 2G as fast as he did. What a splendid lad!”

However, tragedy struck when in October 1999, Madhuri Dixit became Madhuri Dixit Nene. His father, Mr Andimuthu Dravid, gave up on life and sought salvation in Cuba whereas his mother married again to a rusty man from Kenya calling himself Barack. Life was disintegrating like a Nice Biscuit in Filter Kaapi before he met Muthuvel Karunanidhi at the local chemist 😉

Moving to India was hard for Raja. 12 years of loyal service at Sukh Sagar making 69 dosas a day had not just been an underpaid job but a way of life for him. However God (or as they say below the Mahanadi, Rajnikanth) had other plans for him. In a space of 15 years, he had quickly risen up the ranks of the DMK and also reached the final round of Nach Baliye auditions with Smriti Irani as hisbaliye. In 2004, a slight miscalculation in the money he ethically borrowed from the Government treasury to buy his first Apple product iUttapam caught public attention.l

1766.45 billion (US$29 billion). Apparently that’s all it takes for the ‘most tolerant’ nation in the world to make a man’s life hell. It’s been fifteen months since he has been teaching Tamil to inmates in Tihar Jail. Fifteen months, and he has already taught Varanasi residents to correctly pronounce Murlitharan and Kozhikode.  They say you can take everything from a man, but not his Kathak mudras. The #DesiQuibbler would urge all its leaders to watch the Republic Day parade next year for our very own A Raja is doing a solo on Punjabi Wedding Song on an Indian Navy vehicle. It might also interest some to see if Barack Obama accepts him as his stepson. (See para four)

After throwing its massive financial and administrative prowess behind the biggest revolution in sports entertainment; Patiala Rangoli League, the #DesiQuibbler is proud to announce the inauguration of the All Indore Institute of Masala Idli Manufacturing. AIIMIM is the first of its kind in India which offering a carefully devised course designed to nurture aspiring International Idli Titans (IITians). The Institute has been launched to revive Indore’s historical Masala Idli legacy and has an annual functioning budget of one million Vietnamese Dongs.

The Chancellor of AIMMIM and Head Chef at Manjushree Udupi Restaurant in the rural town of Tokyo, Sunil Shetty says, “After Salman Butt was provided Z level security on the pretext of protection against a western artist claiming that he was unable to lie about his love for big butts, the nation had lost all hope of securing a safe future for the next generation. But the guys at the #DesiQuibbler, determined to carve a silver lining out of the stone of hopelessness, took me to Khan Chacha and pitched the idea of AIIMIM to me.”

For the last three decades, Mota in Rajasthan has been considered a factory dishing out IITians. We aim to demolish this belief by bringing together the most prodigious idli fermenters from South India with skilled masala mixers from Papua New Guinea, Uganda and Siberia. Upholding the legacy of Indore on the world stage is the primary aim and we hope to restore the credibility of the IITian from Madhya Pradesh.

Christopher Nolan, alumni of Farah Khan School of Film Direction, says,” The unending references to Masala Idli in Interstellar were the reason for its critical acclaim and commercial success, which is a clear indication of the huge market demand an IITian from AIIMIM has. Gargantua, derived from the Hindi word ghanta (holy bell) is infact a giant space Masala Idli covered in Imli Chutney.  When a foreign body comes close enough, it gets sucked in by the aroma and causing time to slow down drastically. Also, through this newspaper I would like to inform everybody of an alternate ending where Cooper wakes up on Jethalaal’s bed and the Taarak Mehta Ka Ooltah Chashma star cast tells him it was all an elaborate dream.”

Apart from the primary aim, the #DesiQuibbler has collaborated with the Government of Pondicherry on the AIIMIM project to curb the proliferating black market of Masala Idli export. The sector is said to be worth 45 billion Zimbabwe Dollars and is a major source of public anger against shitty Indian Restaurants in Singapore, Dubai and Birmingham. Social order, we believe, can only be genuinely restored when every deserving Chennai Super Kings fan gets his share of Masala Idli while he watches N Srinivasan dance to TV Pe Breaking News Mera Khakhra on the Newshour while Subramaniam Swamy fails terribly in his attempt to lip-sync the Madhuri Dixit superhit.

Aries – The position of Venus guarantees the availability of sublime quality coconut chutney with your dosas this week. Bowel cleansing shall be smooth should you stick to a strict Bappi Lehri and Anu Malik diet. Success is likely in the form of a Stick Cricket high score.

Taurus – External events like the unrest in South Sudan are having a great impact on you. You find yourself falling in love with the only dancing potato with triplet boys in the world, Farah Khan. Also, Game of Thrones is bad for your nephew’s career, avoid watching it.

Gemini – You will find that many things go as you want but the finale shall fall short of expectations, e.g. Hrithik Roshan’s marriage. Lack of belief at how Aishwariya said yes to Abhishek still renders you sleepless. Underage acrobats from Andaman and Nicobar Islands are going to prove lucky omens.

Cancer: RIP. #HopeIlla

Leo: Tremendous recognition and respect from the Bihari milkman is on the cards. This is the time to seriously consider encouraging your children to become professional Brinjal painters. The way to prosperity and wellbeing comes from a balance of giving and taking Cricket Attax cards. Avoid despotism.

Virgo: It’s the time to be careful and wise while tasting free ice cream at the local Baskin Robbins outlet. Fawad Khan’s disappearance shall calm your hormones and provide inner peace which may then be squandered by a dreadful Indian bowling performance at the MCG. Lucky color: Chris Gayle.

Libra: Controlling your rage at Arnab Goswami’s shouting and Pranab Mukherjee’s rectangular face is essential. Counting the number of times Narendra Modi says mitron in a given speech may result in improved gall bladder capacity. A stable relationship with your security guard is likely.

The #DesiQuibbler would like to declare that after Parthiv Patel Teri Khopdi Mein Tel, Imran Khan is our favorite cricketer.

Scorpio: After getting over the shock of Boman Irani doing Happy New Year, you shall easily get past the goat barricade set up at the nearest educational institute gate. Captain America’s irrelevance staggers you and the immense guilt of having once cheered AAP’s semi-victory in Delhi makes you feel like a regretful 12th pass in a theater showing Kick.

Sagittarius: You constant failures at archery competitions disappoint you considering your star sign symbol is a bow. You are now tired of LOLing at the England Football Team. Cross dressing on Comedy Nights with Kapil makes you unreasonably excited about the prospect of interchangeable genders. Lucky omen – Dil Bole Hadippa DVD.

Capricorn: You take up the challenge of explaining the offside rule to your girlfriend/wife/mother and fail miserably, again. You once again get scathing looks from the Starbucks employee who sees you hog free Wi-Fi every Tuesday and Thursday. Flying Air India is not recommended if you ever wish to reach your destination before your to-be daughters delivery.

Aquarius: Fancy Parsi surnames like Daruwalla make you pray that they begin to marry outside their community. Your salary shall determine the money your office gives you. Insufficiently fulfilling portions of Chicken Tikka are positive signs.

Pisces: Your confusion about the number of Star channels on Indian TV is justified. Health might be a major issue this week due if your suspiciously frequent travels to Sierra Leone continue.
For spiritual guidance contact President of the Youth Wing of the Shiv Sena and acclaimed guggu, Aditya Thackeray.

Ever since the Yellow Revolution of the 20^th century, China has made inroads into every sector of the Indian economy including manufacturing low quality Kabaddi langots. The king of the desi Chinese cuisine Manchurian, which completes a hundred years in our Motherland, has an intriguing history to its name.

Unconfirmed yet plausible reports suggest that soon after the ‘Hindi Chini Bhai Bhai’ headline on a gloomy 1962 morning, then Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai was playing saanp seedhi (snakes and ladders) with Pandit Nehru after which he, to his absolute dismay, was served Gobi Manchurian. Such was his inapprehensible anger at what he interpreted to be a gross violation of The International Agreement on Manchurian Manufacturing that a full blown war was initiated, much to India’s bewilderment. The #DesiQuibbler spoke to Pandit Nehru’s close aide and trusted gynaecologist Dr Rajdeep SarKiDawai who said, “With due respect to Lataji’s melody Aye Mere Watan Ke Logo, Panditji in fact began crying that day because his 3G had started working and he had just seen a WhatsApp message from his Chinese counterpart saying “人与玻璃制成的房子都必须改变衣服在地下室. *red face emoji*” The #DesiQuibbler shall send four Vicco Turmeric Nahi Cosmetic tubes to every reader who translates this using Google Translate.

Manchurian is also credited with its fair share of scandals. Teenage bhajan sensation and professionally jolly man Pankaj Udhas in an interview to the #DesiQuibbler said, “The unwarranted addition of raw aaloo in Michael Jackson’s Manchurian by an Adnan Sami fan at the Taj resulted in him cancelling his pillow-written commitment of coming again.”

The memory of the brutal battering of Saif Ali Khan by Kareena using stilettoes after the former had mistakenly purchased Gobi Manchurian still remains vivid in the minds of innocent onlookers on Hill Road, Bandra. Karishma Kapoor, now a world renowned expert at painting purple urinals black says, “He deserved all of that! He wouldn’t stop reminding me of his belief that I was a mix of a Chennai Cat and a Rajori Rabbit.” The #DesiQuibbler would like to inform readers that we agree with the Nawab and he has reacted saying waow.

Literature has paid its tribute to this legacy in its own way. The Dainik Bhaskar bestseller ‘Perks of Being a Cauliflower’ by Falguni Pathak talks about how the struggle for Rights to Chicken Manchurian had unfolded in the North Western state of Ohio. ‘Murgi te Gobi’ by Ravichandran Ashwin is a romance set in rural Punjab where a hard-core Gobian falls for a Chiddiya Udd cum Book Cricket player who loves his Chicken Manchurian.

Although we believe Manchurian’s efforts of competing with Maggi are as futile as Ravindra Jadeja trying to look manly by growing a beard, it seems to be the only way of reminding the men at Nestle of the unacceptable nature of their claims of two minutes cooking time which only seems possible if the vessel is kept over a bonfire into which overweight Punjabi aunties and overenthusiastic children throw popcorn on every Winter Solstice. Therefore, we would suggest all our readers to read Screwing It Up My Way – Arvind Kejriwal’s Autobiography, simply because these shall be the best 450 pages of your life. 🙂

Ever since the release of celebrity author Chetan Bhagat’s latest manuscript “Half Girlfriend”, there has been a silent but deadly stir of revenge in this beautiful European city. Although its registered as a literary bonanza, reports have emerged that this festival is indeed a paramilitary training camp established to systematically unleash public wrath against Mr Bhagat.

 The head judge of the festival and Vice Chancellor of IIT Kanpur, Mr GhisGhisKe Ghusa says, “As per Mr Bhagat’s books, all IITians do is drink vodka on water tanks and fail exams due to watching excessive porn. While being true, such depictions severely malign the god like image IITians command in this country.”

Mr Jugaad Kapoor, management expert and Dean of IIM-Bangalore says,” What’s more appalling than Indian Aunties giving kids free candy on Halloween is that Mr Bhagat had the nerve of casting a lady with the IQ of a matchstick as an IIM student in that film.” The #DesiQuibbler would like inform our readers that we sent a humble order to Dharma Productions to cast the delightful Rahul Gandhi opposite Alia as a balancing act but were obviously totally ignored.

Celebrity support to this controversial cause has been considerable. The #DesiQuibbler found Jaya Bachchan playing delightful fudgi with Fardeen Khan around a bonfire of 400 pirated copies of ‘Five Point Someone’. Ayushmann Khurrana, champion Punjabi Melody creator says,” I’m here to clarify as to why Mr Bhagat confuses the lives of management graduates with the lives of Roadie’s from Chandigarh.” The interview could not be continued courtesy of two bald twins who started abusing our cameraman for stopping a girl in small clothes from coming in the frame of the camera.

 The Government has shown signs of agreement with the whole point of the festival. Top BJP officials like LK Advani and Nitin Gadkari delivered English speeches which gave four DLF Phase 5 residents brain haemorrhages. Should this protest get violent at any stage, our readers should not be surprised to see no Government interference in literary violence like never seen before.

As always, our colleagues at other newspapers and media houses are busy sticking naan on their tandoors and it is the #DesiQuibbler which has been asked by the people in-charge at the festival to throw our massive administrative expertise and financial power behind them. Due to digestion issues, we refrain from officially taking a side in this matter but we suggest Mr Bhagat to conquer the unconventional by taking the phenomenally effective Ballet classes the #DesiQuibbler conducts outside its office in Jhumri Taliah and hope to pursue a successful career in Naagin Naach instead.

After the thumping success of the Bade Ache Lagte Hai Season Finale, Patiala has lacked any TV content which offers high voltage family drama. The #DesiQuibbler is committed towards changing this sad state of affairs and is proud to announce the launch of the Patiala Rangoli League in association with the Bhupinder Singh Hooda Institute of Rangoli Making.

The league operates along the lines of the Tikka-e-Sialkot and Istanbul Imli Chutney Cup. 8 franchisees from all over Punjab shall be competing neck to neck in order to reach the finals which shall be held on the 70,000 seater forehead of Sonakshi Sinha.

Victoria Beckham, owner of the Jhakaas Jalandhar franchise says, “What bewilders me most is that such a huge market of unmeasurable talent has not yet been tapped. My team is raring to go and I’m sure they will uphold the shaan of Jalandhar and Victoria’s Secret.” The #DesiQuibbler congratulates Victoria for her beautiful new moustache in honour of #NoShaveNovember and sincerely hopes for the sake of civil stability and Baba Ramdev’s sanity that her team players don’t dress like her during matches. *haye tauba drumroll sponsored by MDH*

Other franchise owners include Nelson Mandela’s dhobi, Boman Irani’s barber from 3 Idiots, Rajpal Yadav, Sachin Pilot, Ramesh Powar, Ellen DeGeneres and the three times World Rangoli Showdown Champion and RangManch Gold Medalist Rahul Gandhi.

The chairman of the PRL Arvind Fakeriwal in an interview to the #DesiQuibbler said, “Ekta Kapoor and I were playing antakshari while wiping the glycerine on the flooring outside the Balaji office when her irrelevant brother Tushar pitched the idea of such a league to us. His awesome impersonation of Babu Bhai from Hera Pheri convinced me to kick this endeavour off!”

In order to pump up the glamour quotient overseas, the organizers have appointed Ban Ki Moon, Pope Francis and Emile Heskey as brand ambassadors of the PRL. The #DesiQuibbler also approached the Sexy Supremo of the AIADMK but her receptionist said she rolled 3 on Business and is now locked up for three turns.

While the PRL is definitely headed for resounding success, the #DesiQuibbler urges all its readers to register their support for this noble initiative by observing a one minute silence for the careers of Sunny Deol, Sonu Nigam, Soulja Boy and Virender Sehwag.